THE LAT1 
MRROLON 





naum^mkmn^^^^ 







* JUL 201899 





Pass Pfirs^ai 



Copyright N°. 



I 899 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



The Late Mr. Rollins 



and 



Other College Farces 



By 



Emery Bemsley Pottle 



Amherst 

Massachusetts 

Lewis C. Merrell 

1899 






cm 



Copyright, i8gg, 



EMERY B. POTTLE 



LEWIS C. MERRELL. 




PRESS OF 

WEED-PARSONS PRINTING CO. 

ALBANY, N. Y. 






AUTHOR'S NOTE 

These farces were written with no 
purpose save the setting forth of 
some of the humorous phases of un- 
dergraduate experience. Hitherto, 
the farce has had small place in col- 
lege literature, — unfortunately, be- 
cause it has value in portraying that 
genial side of college life, which, 
after all, is one of its main charms. 
The fact that the characters speak 
for themselves without a weight 
of descriptive material has led the 
author to adopt that form. 

E. B. P. 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 



The Late Mr. Rollins .... 9 
Who Laughs L.ast . . . . . 53 
Rose 87 



The Late Mr. Rollins 



Cast of Characters 

Stuart Rollins — A guest 

Frederic MacGregor 1 

John Morris \- Juniors 

Harry Williams J 

Mrs. Macgregor 

Miss Bessy Bent 

Miss Amy Terry 

Miss Clara Burrows 

Miss Mary Weller 

Polly — A maid 

Time: The Evening of the Junior Prom- 
enade. 



The Late Mr. Rollins 
I. 

THE SCENE IS LAID IN THE MACGREGOR 
HOME IN AMHERST. 

MACGREGOR, attired in evening 
clothes, is discovered pacing angrily 
up and down his study. From time 
to time he glances impatiently at his 
watch and swears beneath his breath. 

MACGREGOR: " Good heavens! 
here it is half after seven, girls all 
dressed, carriage due in fifteen min- 
utes, and no Rollins. He's dallying 
around somewhere, having a soul-to- 
soul talk with some child of nature, 
I suppose. What earthly pleasure 
he can get in those communions 
with tame, enthusiastic Bohemian 
idiots, who prattle about their emo- 
tions, I can't see." Pulls telegram 
from his pocket. "Be with you at 
6 :3c Charmed to come. — Rollins." 

9 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Charmed to come, of course he's 
charmed to come. They always are. 
I'm mighty glad I could get him, 
though. With Tom Harris failing 
me at the last moment, and four 
girls in the house waiting to be 
offered up to-night at this blooming 
Prom, it was only by divine help 
that the thought of Stuart Rollins 
came into my head. Whew! catch 
me in a defenseless position of this 
sort again. I don't mind summer 
functions when you can slip out for 
a long, cold drink, or quote ' Maud ' 
to impressionable young women in 
the moonlight behind the College 
Church — but these winter things' 
Lord ! ' A step is heard on the stair. 
" Thank goodness! there he is. 
You lazy beggar — Oh, I beg par- 
don ! Williams, is that you? Come 
in, sit down, do anything — I don't 
care." 

Williams: " Mac, I think I 
ought to tell you that I can't go " 

Mac: " Billy, there is the spirit of 
denial in your eye! If you come 
IO 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

here to tell me that you can't go to 
the Prom, I'll shoot you! I mean 
it. Don't provoke me too far!" He 
grabs the dismayed Williams by the 
shoulder and shakes him. 

Williams: " Look out, Mac, 
you'll spoil my shirt. I say that I 
can't go it very hard to-night in 
dancing. I fell down on the way 
here, and I'm horribly lame. This 
ice on the walks " 

Mac, embracing him: " Yes, yes, 
I know — ■ shocking; but thank 
Heaven you can get around. Never 
mind the part you hurt — Oh, 
there's Rollins at last, I fancy! 
He's to take Tom Harris's place, you 
know, Billy. That you, Roily?" 

POLLY: " No, sir, it ain't Roily, 
it's Polly, and Mr. Morris says will 
he come up, or are you gentlemen 
coming down? " 

Mac: "Send him up. Billy, 
where in the name of Prexy can that 
wandering minstrel Rollins be? Said 
he'd be here at six-thirty, don't you 
know. He's a Williams man, son of 
1 1 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Senator Rollins ; swell chap, but 
beastly slow and precise. I tele- 
graphed him to take no thought for 
the morrow, but do a hundred yards 
dash for Amherst. " Knock is heard 
at the door. " Come! Hello, Mor- 
ris! glad to see you. Billy here is a 
bit nervous because Rollins — Rol- 
lins, who is to be fourth man, you 
know — hasn't shown up ; but there's 
no use getting excited. Always 
take everything coolly, old man, 
and — Hang that fellow Rollins! 
it's a quarter of eight, and he isn't 
here. I can't imagine what's keep- 
ing him." 

MORRIS: " Cheer up, he'll be here 
all right. Just take a look at this 
suit of mine, you fellows, and see 
how it looks." 

Williams, busily engaged in 
brushing his hair before the glass: 
''Great, old man! best thing I've 
seen — ■ you look mighty well — 
doesn't he, Mac?" 

Mac, rushing wildly up and down : 
" I should say it was about as poor 

12 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

a thing as I ever saw done. Go and 
ask a fellow to take a pretty girl to a 
Prom, and then have him . ' ' 

MORRIS, wrathfully: " It strikes 
me that it's a deucedly ungentle- 
manly thing to cuss a fellow's 
clothes to his face. I may say in 
passing, MacGregor, for your benefit, 
that this suit was made in Boston 
last week, and " 

Mac: " Who said anything about 
your clothes? They're all right." 
Continuing his walk. ** But if a 
man is an ass, he is, and that's the 
end of it." 

MORRIS: " Well, by Jove, Mac, 
if it wasn't the very night of the 
Prom, and I wasn't in your house, 
I'd cut the whole business, I can tell 
you ! 

Mac, realizing the situation : 

My dear fellow, I beg your par- 
don. I wasn't speaking of you, but 
of that ass Rollins, who was to be 
here at six-thirty and hasn't shown 
up yet — hang him ! It's an odd 
thing that, break and shatter Rollins 

13 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

as you will, the mark of idiocy still 
clings to him. He " 

ROLLINS enters leisurely during 
the conversation, dressed in gray 
tweed traveling clothes. He stands 
for a moment smiling at the excited 
company: " Beg pardon, old boy; 
but, hearing my name mentioned so 
freehf, I ventured to enter unan 
nounced. You seem to be a bit dis- 
turbed. Am I late, dear fellow?" 

Mac : 4 ' Thank the Lord, you've 
come. I've been in a state of nerv- 
ous prostration for two hours. Here 
it is nearly eight o'clock and you 
were due at six-thirty. ' Am I late?' 
4 Am I latcl Where have you been 
and what did you go there for? I'll 
bet you met some misguided idiot 
who wanted to swap heart dynamics 
or something of that sort. But now 
you're here, get right into your even- 
ing clothes and — Where is your 
stuff, anyway?" 

Rollins, serenely: " My stuff? 
Oh, I fancy it is here at your house. 
You see, I came by the Boston and 
14 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Maine, and the dress-suit case got 
sent on by the New London. It 
will turn up all right ; it should be 
here now. By the way, I met " 

Mac, throwing himself in a chair: 
' I don't care a damn whom you 
met, Rollins. Don't you know that 
we leave here at eight for the Prom, 
and that your devilish procrastina- 
tion has queered the whole show? 
Oh, hang your besetting sins!" 

Rollins: " My dear fellow, I 
never thought my besetting sins half 
so dangerous as your besetting vir- 
tues. And wouldn't it be better 
form to introduce me to the gentle- 
men present, as I take it we are to 
be companions at the festivities of 
the evening?" 

Mac: " Oh, beg pardon ! I'm sure 
— er — Ralliams — Mr. Willins — 
certainly, of course, Millins, I would 
say." Williams and Morris shake 
hands with Rollins. To Polly, who 
enters: " What is it, Pollins?" 

POLLY, aside: " Pie's been drink- 
in' again and him agoin' out with the 

15 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

ladies — gracious ! The missis says, 
sir, that the carriage has come and 
the young ladies is waitin' this half 
hour, and will you come down?" 

Mac : " Tell her we'll be there in- 
stantly, Polly. And be good enough 
to look and see if the expressman 
has brought Mr. Rollins' dress- 
suit case. If so, bring it here at 
once." 

POLLY: "Yes, sir." Aside: 

Lord, but they're goin' it hard!" 
She goes out. 

Mac : " Something must be done, 
and mighty quick. Morris, you and 
Billy go down and play with mamma 
and the girls. Tell 'em — oh, tell 
'em anything! I'll be there in five 
minutes. If Rollins' clothes don't 
come in that time, I'll have to fix 
him out some way, and go on with 
the girls to the Gym. We can send 
the carriage back for him." 

MORRIS: "All right, old man; 
take it easy. See you later, Rol- 
lins." He and Williams depart. 

ROLLINS: " Charming room you 
16 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

have, dear boy. Good copy of Sar- 
geant's — Did you speak?" 

Mac, suppressing his wrath : " Oh, 
no, not at all! But, by the way, if 
you don't mind being disturbed from 
your artistic trance, my gentle 
knight, just what do you intend to 
do if your apparel doesn't show up? 
It might strike some of the company 
as a bit odd, don't you know, to see 
you at a Prom in your traveling 
suit. 

ROLLINS: " Not show up? Non- 
sense; of course thev'll be here. 
Don't worry! Who are the girls in 
the party? Is the amiable Miss 
Bessy Bent to be with us? If so, 
reserve me two extra seats and a 
foot-warmer. She's the coldest- 
souled maiden I ever met." 

Mac: " Yes, she's here, and Miss 
Terry, and " 

POLLY, knocking: " They ain't no 
case come, Mr. MacGregor, and the 
last train is in. Mrs. MacGregor 
says that you are to come at once. 

Mac, resignedly : ' ' There you are ! 

17 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

I hope you'll learn some day, Roily, 
a dress suit in hand is worth two in 
the express office. I wash my hands 
of the consequences of this ill-starred 
night. You will have to put on some 
things of mine, and — the Lord have 
mercy on you ! " 

ROLLINS : " But I say, old man, I 
can't wear your clothes. It will look 
deuced queer; don't you think so? 
I'm inclined to be stout, and you 
know, Mac, your shape is what the 
novels call tall and willowy." 

Mac: 'You've brought it on 
yourself. You're ' deuced queer ' in 
your normal condition, anyway. It's 
too late to borrow another dress- 
suit. The carriage has been waiting 
an hour, and mamma " 

A knock is heard. 

Mrs. Mac: " My dear, may I 
come in? " 

Mac: " Of course." 

MRS. Mac, a formidable lady in 

black satin and feathers: " Oh, Mr. 

Rollins, delighted to see you ! So 

good of you to come. How is your 

18 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

dear father? Such a time since I've 
seen him ! Now you two naughty 
boys must come directly down to the 
parlors. The poor girls are quite 
put out, and dear Bessy is really 
wretched. I shall rely on you to 
comfort her, Mr. Rollins." Puts up 
her lorgnette and stares hard at Rol- 
lins. He blushes uncomfortably. 

Er — my dear boy, your friend — 
er, Mr. Rollins — would it not be 
well for him to dress at once — at 
once ? ' ' 

Rollins: " Fact is, Mrs. Mac- 
Gregor, that I — that is, the railroad 
— at any rate, my evening clothes 
are in my coat-case, which hasn't 
been delivered. I was just saying to 
Mac that — Oh, perhaps you have 
something about that I could wear. 
Beg pardon, I meant Mac, of 
course. Awfully awkward, isn't 
it?' ! He fans himself with Mrs. 
M.'s fan, which she has laid on 
table. 

MRS. MAC: " A most unfortunate 
occurrence. Frederic, get Mr. Rol- 

19 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

lins some — • er — garments of your 
own of a suitable nature for the 
Promenade. Mr. Rollins, it will be 
necessary for us to go on in the car- 
riage at once. Stay here and dress, 
and Frederic will send the carnage 
back for you. Come, Fred, imme- 
diately. Certainly a most unfortu- 
nate affair. My fan, please, Mr. 
Rollins." He drops it in embarrass- 
ment and bumps his head smartly on 
the table as he stoops to get it. 

Rollins: "Da ! er — beg 

pardon, I'm sure! ' Mrs. Mac sails 
majestically out. ' I say, Mac, I'm 
not going to this thing to-night. 
I'll be hanged if I'll make an ass of 
myself before the girls! It makes a 
fellow so awfully conspicuous, don't 
you know ! " 

Mac: " You've got to go, man." 

ROLLINS: ' But, my dear fel- 

i » » 

low 

MAC: " It's perfectly useless to 

argue the question. I send for you 

to come and help me with these 

girls — four of 'em besides my 

20 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

mother — " Voice without : " Fred- 
eric! " "Yes, mamma." "You 
agree. You come late — you're al- 
ways late, you know — you are prob- 
ably in your right mind, but you are 
not clothed. Now that you are here, 
yougo ! I'll furnish you with every- 
thing that I possess except the things 
I have on. Call Polly and have her 
polish your boots. I haven't an- 
other pair of patent leathers. Rol- 
lins, I'm honestly sorry for you. If 
the laborers weren't so few and the 
harvest so great — four girls and my 
mother — you might get off. But 
— no; it isn't to be thought of! 
I'm depending on you for Bessy 
Bent's entertainment." Rollins 

makes a wry face. ' " You'll find — " 
Appalling voice from without : " My 
son!" "Coming, coming — you'll 
find everything in my bedroom, 
Roily. Make yourself at home — 
the carriage will be back in twenty 
minutes. Ring for Polly." 

Pie seizes his coat and hat and 
rushes out. 

21 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

ROLLINS, dazed: " Oh, I say, old 
boy " 

Mac, dashing in again: " Here's 
my father's old top hat. Wear this. " 
Jamming it on his head. " Hurry 
now, old man, and — oh, but you'll 
be the leading lady to-night. You're 
a bird in the hat ! So long." 
Hurrying away. ' I say, now, you 
will hurry, won't you? All right, 
mother." 

ROLLINS, running to the door: 
" Mac! Gone! Well, I'll be — I 
won't go!" Throws himself de- 
spairingly into a chair. " I say I 
won't go! They'll guy me to 
death. If the fellows ever hear of it, 
I'll have to leave college. Mac's 
such a tall fellow — oh, Lord, me in 
his clothes! And his mother! I'll 
go! I'd rather be executed than 
have her put those starers on me 
again. She'd say," mimicking Mrs. 
M.: "'Er — Mr. Rollins,— I — er 
— regret your inability to be present 
last evening. It was — er — a most 
unfortunate affair.' A loud giggle 

22 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

is heard from the door. Rollins 
jumps behind a curtain. 

POLLY : " Excuse me, sir, but Mr. 
MacGregor said I was to come up 
and see if you wanted anything, 
sir. 

Rollins, emerging: " Oh, that 
you, Polly? I thought it was Neme- 
sis. 

Polly : ' The missis, did you 
say? No, sir, they've all gone." 

Rollins: ''Well, never mind. 
Come in, and let's discuss the 
question calmly and dispassionately. 
Polly, did you ever go to a ball in 
another man's clothes? " 

Polly: " Sir?" 

Rollins: "Oh, beg pardon — 
stupid of me! Don't be cross. 
Well, Polly, that's what I'm going 
to do to-night, and it's going to be 
a holy show for somebody. It's a 
pity that those simple days come no 
more to us — those days when Mrs. 
Socrates wore her husband's what- 
do-you-call-it, Polly." 

Polly : "I dunno, sir. I never 
23 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

heard of the lady; she must have 
been odd, sir!" 

ROLLINS: "Yes, she was odd. 
Have you ever noticed, Polly, that 
all girls are one of two classes — the 
odd or the pret tyt " 

POLLY: " Lord, sir! " 

ROLLINS: "And Polly, you are 
not of the former class." 

POLLY, aside: " I never see no 
such gentleman before. He's a queer 
one. Thank you, sir." 

ROLLINS: " Polly, do you think 
you could polish these boots of mine 
a bit — and does Mr. MacGregor 
keep his wardrobe in his bed- 
room? " 

POLLY: " I'll try, sir. I ain't 
very good at it, though. Yes, sir, 
his things is in his bedroom. I'll 
go and hunt up some polish for the 
boots." She goes out. 

ROLLINS : " My blood be on Mac's 
head! I'll go to the ball! What a 
sight I'll be ! Society is a hard prob- 
lem, save tc the idiot and the un- 
principled ! Well, here goes! " He 
24 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

enters the bedroom, whistling " Dare 
to be a Daniel." 

Polly appearing with brush and 
blacking: " Mr. Rollins, sir? Your 
shoes." 

Rollins, within: "All right, 
Polly. Look out ! ' He throws 
shoe into the study. 

Polly : " Good gracious! " 

ROLLINS: "Steady — here's the 
other! " 

Polly, picking up the shoes 
gingerly : 

Whoever heard of a parlor-maid 
shining shoes? I'm sure, if the gen- 
tleman wasn't in such a fix, I'd 
never do it, neither! Where does a 
body begin first on 'em? ' Coughs 
loudly to attract attention. " Ex- 
cuse me, sir, but where do you begin 
to shine shoes? " 

ROLLINS: " How's that? Where 
do you begin? At the foot, of 
course. Wet the blacking and rub 
it on till you're tired and your hands 
are covered ; then swear, and polish 
with the brush, and later go down 
town and get a decent shine." 
25 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

POLLY: " My goodness, sir! He 
says wet the blacking. Wet it with 
what? Well, here's Mr. Mac's 
whiskey. I'll wet it with that. Oh, 
dear! I've spilt it." She rubs shoes 
with blacking. Grows very hot and 
excited. Her face and apron be- 
come smeared with black. " Drat 
the old things!" She throws them 
down, and, sitting on the floor, be- 
gins to cry. 

ROLLINS, tramping madly up and 
down the bedroom, groaning and 
swearing at intervals: " Ouch, ah! 
Hang it! Confound this coat ! Oh, 
Lord ! ' He puts his head through 
the curtains of the door. " I say, 
Polly ! Great Caesar, what's the 
matter? Smell the whiskey — too 
bad — that girl has been drinking! 
Nice, pretty girl, too. I wouldn't 
have thought it of her." He enters, 
dressed in a tight, abnormally long 
frock-coat, distressingly tight gray 
trousers turned up at the bottom ; on 
his feet a pair of huge knitted slip- 
pers. His collar and tie are in his 
26 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

hand. Well down on his head is the 
top-hat. " Girl this is disgraceful 
— drinking your master's whiskey! 
Wish I'd seen it myself. Where are 
my boots?" 

Polly, tearful and indignant: 

Don't talk to me, sir, about drink- 
ing ? I never touched a drop, except 
to put in the blacking. There are 
your old boots in the corner. I did 
all I could to them, which ain't 
much, and — " She looks at him for 
a moment, then giggles. 

Rollins, picking up boots : " Yes, 
I guess you did ; if that's a whiskey 
shine, commend me to — I say, 
what are you laughing at? ' 

POLLY: " Nothing, sir." Goes 
off again. " Oh, Lord! I never met 
such a looking gentleman. Oh, 
mercy! excuse me, sir, but ain't you 
funny! " 

Rollins: " Oh, come! it's not 

so bad as that, is it?" Looking in 

the mirror above the fireplace. 

"Well, by Jove, what a sight! 

27 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Thank Heaven, the fellows can't see 
me ! ' They both shout with laugh- 
ter. A ring is heard outside. 

POLLY : " Excuse me, I must go, 
sir. 

Runs out laughing. 

ROLLINS: " I came to find Polly, 
and stayed to find a polish. Good 
joke, that! ' He throws off slippers 
and gets into his boots. " Talk 
about a dim, religious shine — here's 
one! It's going to be a great night 
— I feel it. Now for the collar — 
fifteen size on a sixteen throat — 
ugh ! " 

POLLY, entering: The carriage, 
sir, is waiting." 

ROLLINS: " Tell him I'll be there 
in a minute." Struggling with col- 
lar. " Tell him I'm sick — tell him 
I'm paralyzed — " Chokes. "Oh, 
tell him I'm dead !" 

POLLY: " Yes, sir." 

ROLLINS: "And, Polly, come 
here and see if you can pin this con- 
founded collar on me!" 
28 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

POLLY, pinning collar for him : 
" It's a mite too small, sir. I can't 
make it meet in front; but I'll pin 
it on either side, sir." 

ROLLINS: " Ouch! you pricked 
me. 

Polly : " Beg pardon, sir! There, 
sir. 

ROLLINS, tying scarf: "There, 
Polly, how's that? " 

Polly, giggling behind her apron : 

Very sweet, sir." 

ROLLINS: " Here's a dollar, 
Polly. Good-night. And, Polly — 
avoid whiskey shines in the future: 
they're ruinous to social aspirations. ' 

Polly: "Yes, sir. Thank you, 
sir. Good-night, sir." Aside: "I 
never see the likes of him. Lord ! ' 
She goes out. 

ROLLINS, pirouetting about : 
On with the dance! ' This collar 
gives me a Lord Byron effect, which 
is very taking. Hope Mac will 
be pleased with his Frankenstein. 
Poor Mac — poor Miss Bent — poor 
Rollins — devilish poor Rollins!' 
29 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Voice without : "Carriage!" "Well, 
here goes! " 

CURTAIN. 



II. 

THE SCENE IS LAID IN THE MACGREGOR PARLOR. 
THE TIME IS TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. 

Rollins enters very fatigued and 
bored : " Well, if ever a fellow had a 
humiliating, soul-harrowing experi- 
ence, I'm the man! I wish I had a 
drink, the world might look brighter. 
Proms are a bore, anyway ; one sees 
so many people who ought to know 
better dancing about in such a con- 
founded whirl of music, talk, torn 
ruffles, limp linen, and the eyes-that- 
look-love-to-eyes business, that he'd 
much prefer to go into outer dark- 
ness — particularly if there's a nice 
girl to go with him. I natter my 
self I created something of a stir when 
I entered the Gym. Having, as it 
were, taken me from the highways, 
it strikes me that any undue regard 
for wedding garments might have 
30 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

been waived. My best heavy society 
manners couldn't supply the evident 
discrepancies. Poor Mac looked 
down in the mouth when my glory 
struck him. But the madame ! I 
called on the mountains to fall on me 
and hide me. She ran me through 
with her eyes, then pointed to a lit- 
tle corner in the back of their booth. 
I scuttled in, and shrunk ten inches. 
I'm not sure but I said my prayers. 
Of course you can't dance in that 
— absurd costume, Mr. Rollins,' she 
said. Then she laughed, hang it! 
and they all laughed — all except 
Miss Bessy Bent — laughed till they 
cried. Miss Bessy never once spoke 
to me the whole evening — devoted 
herself to that young Morris. Well, 
vengeance got in its good work 
sooner than I expected. I fancy 
that episode of the carriage will 
rankle in her soul for a while. 
Hullo, here she comes! I'll get be- 
hind the curtain till she goes. I'm 
really too done up to stand another 
scene." 

31 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

MlSS Bent, enters breathless and 
ready to cry: " Where is the 
creature, I wonder? Not here, at 
any rate. What a humiliating night 
I've had! To be put under the 
escort of such a fright ! I don't care 
if his father is Senator Rollins. It 
was too mean of Mac. I'll never 
forgive him. Why didn't he stay at 
home? A man never has the right 
to appear anywhere without the 
proper clothes. Don't they know 
that clothes create the — the mood, 
and — Oh, dear! I'm mortified be- 
yond expression. I never shall re- 
cover from that horrid affair at the 
carriage door. Clara and Mr. Mor- 
ris were to return with ' that thing 
of shreds and patches ' and me — 
though I never once spoke to him ! 
That was bad enough, but it wasn't 
the worst ! Just as we were getting 
in the carriage, some dreadful person 
came up and said: ' No you don't, 
Morris; you won't ride a foot till 
you pay me the five you owe me for 
carriage-hire last Prom.' Fancy the 
32 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

position Clara and I were in ! It 
couldn't have been worse when the 
foolish virgins had no oil. Well, to 
cap our misery, it turned out that 
poor Mr. Morris hadn't a cent. I 
don't know what college men do with 
their money. We girls get little 
enough of it spent on us — just a 
bunch of violets occasionally. There 
we stood! I could have sunk through 
the ground; and Mr. Rollins — 
ugh — the brute ! — simply laughed, 
and laughed, until I could have 
shaken him; then he stepped for- 
ward, and in the most aggravating 
fashion asked if he might be allowed 
to pay the bill! Oh, oh, what a 
night ! " She walks towards the cur- 
tain. " Ah, some one has dropped 
his dance order. I wonder whose 
it can be." 

ROLLINS, looking out: " Good- 
bye, proud world; I'm going 
home ! " 

Miss Bent : " Indeed ! That per- 
son's card ! What's this on the first 
page? ' In memory of one Stuart 

33 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Rollins, who suffered at the Junior 
Prom in comparative silence, 
scarcely opening his lips, even when 
spoken to. He was frozen to death 
because he was not properly clothed. ' 
What perfect nonsense ! Ah! fourth 
dance — Miss Bent — cold-souled, in 
parentheses. Thank you, Mr. Rol- 
lins." Laugh is heard behind 
curtain. "Goodness! what was 
that? " 

ROLLINS, from his hiding-place : 

Pardon me ; I presume I am speak- 
ing to Miss Bent ? I am Mr. Rollins, 
and I think I ought to tell you that 
I am in concealment. 

MISS Bent: "How dared you 
listen, sir? It ivas perfectly horrid 
of you ! " 

ROLLINS: " I didn't dare any 
longer; your finding my dance-order 
made it imperative that I disclose 
my presence. May I — ah — come 
out?" 

MlSS BENT: " Are you still in 
those absurd garments? ' ! 

ROLLINS: " If you refer to my 
34 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

somewhat hastily improvised evening 
dress, I will not deny that I am." 

Miss Bent : " Then remain where 
you are." 

Rollins: "Charmed — er — 
that is, if you insist! " 

Miss Bent, after a long and un- 
easy silence: " Of course you heard 
all that I said ? ' No answer. 
" You might have stopped me. It 
was very rude of you. People who 
are always listening are such shock- 
ingly bad form." Another silence 
which grows unendurable. ' I sup- 
pose you may as well come out." 

Rollins: " On the whole, I think 
I prefer to remain here. Clothes, 
you know, have so much to do with 
one's mood that " 

Miss Bent: " Stop! I won't be 
made fun of." 

Rollins: "Beg pardon, I'm 
sure, but after the humiliating night 
I've had I don't care to risk any 
more chances of being chilled." 

MlSS Bent: " You humiliated! 
What were your feelings compared 

35 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

to mine when — but I forget you 
have been listening. It must have 
been trying to you — cold-souled 
people are so uncomfortable to have 
about." 

Rollins: " Stop! I won't be 
made fun of." 

MISS BENT: " You bore me!" 

ROLLINS, tartly: " Two years 
ago, at the shore, I remember that 
you were not bored with me. 

MlSS Bent : " At the shore? Oh ! 

— ah ! — yes ; but that was two years 
ago, and two years to a girl is " 

ROLLINS: " Ample time to forget 
that she ever had a heart. A man 
never forgets! " 

MlSS BENT: " A man has nothing 
to forget. His day begins with his 
bath and his paper, and ends — well, 
it ends, I suppose, some time. To 
a girl everything is full of association 

— the scent of a bunch of violets — " 
ROLLINS : " You wore violets that 

night on the shore." 

Miss Bent: "Oh! — er — as I 
was saying, two years to a girl is such 

36 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

a dreadfully long time. I really 
wish you would come out. It an- 
noys me not to see you. Oh ! not 
that I want to, but — it just annoys 
me. 

Rollins, appearing: " If you in- 
sist. You are sure I shan't bore 
you r 

MlSS BENT: "One is always bored, 
you know, except for the present 
moment. It's such a good pose! ' 

Rollins : ' ' You were posing, 
then, that summer? " 

MlSS Bent: " One acts in so 
many small comedies — don't you 
think so? " 

ROLLINS: " I hate amateur the- 
atricals." 

Miss Bent: " Perhaps you've 
never had your proper part ? ' 

ROLLINS: " I was Pygmalion to a 
Galatea once; but she never came off 
her pedestal." 

MlSS BENT:" Yes? Didyouever 
try Bottom to a Titania? " 

ROLLINS: " All right; you score 
on that." 

37 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

MlSS Bent : "Why, may I ask, did 
you appear in that costume at a Prom ? 
It is disgraceful ! I couldn't have be- 
lieved it of you. You would better 
have stayed at home — much better ' ,! 

ROLLINS: " I wanted to. Per- 
haps you think that I had a charming 
time in a Lord Byron collar and a 
frock-coat long enough for an ulster. 
Look at me! " 

MlSS BENT: " Thanks, no." 

ROLLINS: " Dickens of an excuse 
could I give to Mac. He drove me 
to the mad act — now let him see his 
handiwork! I never had a dance — 
just sat there behind madame's mag- 
nificence, like an ugly duckling, and 
meekly answered questions that she 
fired at me like popguns. ' How's 
your father? ' Mother quite well? ' 
If it hadn't been for little Miss 
Terry, I should have sprung up and 
choked myself! " 

Miss Bent: " Amy flirted shame- 
lessly with you." 

ROLLINS: "Bless 'er! You 
weren't even civil to me." 

38 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Miss Bent: "I couldn't be. 
Whenever I tried, you looked so 
that I had to deny you thrice — only 
I didn't swear." 
Rollins: " Oh, didn't you?" 
Miss Bent: " I wanted to, at the 
carriage, awfully. You know you 
enjoyed the whole thing in a most 
disgustingly evident way. I could 
have killed you when you laughed. 
Poor Mr. Morris! How dreadfully 
awkward it was when we were in the 
carriage! If the men get hold of it, 
he'll never hear the last of the 
joking. I'll not forgive you for 
the part you played. It was un- 
kind." 

ROLLINS: " You might have 
walked home, of course. With the 
thermometer down to zero and the 
ground covered with snow, it might, 
however, have been a bit uncomfort- 
able. I am sorry to have thwarted 
the wishes of Miss Bent." 

MlSS Bent: " You are absurd!" 
Rollins: " It's my clothes." 
Miss Bent: " How late the others 
39 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

are!' They turn their backs to 
each other and covertly yawn. 

BOTH, suddenly facing about: 

Beg pardon, I bore you." 

MlSS Bent : " I insist that you do 
not remain on my account." 

ROLLINS: " If you stay longer, I 
shall go back behind the curtains." 

MlSS BENT, wearily: "As you 
like. I never quarrel. It is such a 
tiresome thing to do." 

Rollins, pettishly going behind 
the curtains: " Oh, very well, then! 
Perhaps you will return my dance- 
order, nozv that you have read it, 
before I retire." 

MlSS Bent, aside: "The rude 
thing! How stupid of me, Mr. Rol- 
lins ! I forgot that you might desire to 
refer to your — er — commentaries. ' 

ROLLINS : " Yes, thank you. I'm 
getting notes for a series of papers 
on 'A Hundred Best Girls I Have 
Known.' 

Miss Bent walks angrily up and 
down, while Rollins whistles " Darby 
and Joan." 

40 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Miss Amy Terry, bursting gayly 
in: " Oh, Bessy, are you here all 
alone ? Aren't we just too dreadfully 
late? The carriage didn't come for 
ages. And wasn't it the dearest 
Prom. ! I could dance to that music 
forever. Tra, la, tra, la, tra — isn't 
it a shame that great Jones person 
stepped on the back of my gown and 
ripped the flounce half off! I missed 
nearly the whole of that swell two- 
step, fixing it in the dressing-room 
— wasn't its name, you know — the 
one that goes Turn, ti, ti, tum,ti, ti. 
My dear, how tired you are looking! 
I do think your frock is the sweetest 
thing! Mine is the same old white 
I wore to Lil's wedding, only I got a 
new foundation and some new lace. 
Don't breathe it to any one. Men 
expect a girl to have a new gown for 
everything she goes to. By the 
way, did you ever see anything like 
that poor Mr. Rollins in your life — 
such a costume ! He flirted with me 
shamelessly. What are you motion- 
ing about — he isn't here, is he? 

41 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Mercy ! why didn't you say so at 
once. Where is he — under the sofa, 
or up the chimney? " 

Miss Bent: " He's behind the 
curtain." 

Miss Terry: " Good gracious! 
Why doesn't he come out ? Is he 
dead? How perfectly pokerish ! " 
She gets the poker and vigorously 
stabs at the curtain. 

Rollins: " Ow !" 

Miss TERRY: "He's there! I 
heard him ! I feel exactly like Ham- 
let stabbing what's-his-name behind 
the arras." 

MISS Bent: " Mr. Rollins grew 
so weary that he — er — I fancy, de- 
sired a little repose. I beg that you 
do not disturb him." 

Miss Terry: " Oh, lovely! Mr. 
Rollins! If you are rested, please 
come out." 

ROLLINS: " Miss Terry, I would 
do much to please you, but in this 
instance I must refuse. My society 
so bored Miss Bent that she com- 
pelled me to seek refuge here, and 
42 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

here I shall stay until her altruistic 
instincts, if she has any, bid her to 
call me forth. I have spoken." 

Miss Terry: "Oh, Bess, how 
could you ! Isn't it too funny ! Do 
ask him to come out ! ' 

MlSS BENT: " My dear, it is per- 
fectly indifferent to me what he 
does. Where are the others? ' 

ROLLINS: "I say, Miss Terry! 
There's room for two in here, would 
you mind sharing my durance vile? 
Don't say this is so sudden, I'm not 
proposing." 

Mtss Terry: " ' How happy I 
could be with either, were t'other 
dear charmer away!' But — I'll 
come, Mr. Rollins; get ready." She 
retires behind the curtains with Rol- 
lins, where they laugh gleefully. 

MlSS BENT. " I seem a little de 
trop. Allow me to say good -night, 
or rather good-morning." The 
voices of the others are heard outside 
at this moment. 

Mac, entering: " Where are you 
all? Where's old Rollins? Didn't 
43 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Morris stay? And what have you 
done with Amy Terry? All gone? 
Just going up? " 

Mrs. Mac: "My dear, where 
have you put that Guy Fawkes of 
our party? I was so distressed to 
see him in such a hopeless condition, 
but really what was there to be done? 
I felt it my duty to conceal him as 
much as possible in the rear of our 
booth. Such a " 

Mac: " Now, mother, don't say 
another word about the old boy. It 
was all my fault. I was telling Clara, 
as we came home, that the next time 
anything of the sort happened " 

Miss Clara Burrows: " Why, 
you would just bring the fellow 
along in his ordinary traveling " 

Mrs. Mac: '* Ordinary traveling 
garments, to be sure. How stupid 
of us not to have done it this time! 
Clara, my dear, you should have — " 

Miss Burrows: " Suggested it, 
of course; but you know, dear Mrs. 
MacGregor, none of us had any idea 

that " 

44 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

MISS TERRY: " Mr. Rollins is be- 
hind the curtain, and so am I." 

Mac, running to curtain and pull- 
ing it back. ' Well, I say now, it 
isn't quite square, you know, to be 
doing that sort of thing and letting 
us all keep on talking! We might 
have said " 

ROLLINS: " Exactly ! you did. I 
can't think of anything you might 
have said and didn't, Mac." 

Miss Terry: " I made him keep 
silent. I did so want to hear what 
you would say; besides " 

MRS. Mac: " My dear Amy, it 
was a most unusual thing, and quite 
— er — quite — shocking! I am 
astonished and distressed that " 

Miss Burrows : " That you could 
think of doing such a thing. My 
dear, it is worse than wicked, it is 
vulgar!" 

Miss Terry: " I don't care. I 
wanted Mr. Rollins to explain to me 
how it would be possible for a wooden 
leg to come off if a person reversed 
in a waltz. That funny Mr. Parker 

45 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

— you know him, Mary; he was at 
the mountains last year — said that 
Mr. Morris had a wooden leg, and 
never reversed in waltzing because it 
would come off. And what do you 
think? — when we had our dance to- 
gether, Mr. Morris begged pardon 
for not reversing! Mac, is it true? 
I don't believe a word of it." 

Mac: " Ha, ha! That's a good 
one on Morris! Of course it's so." 

Miss Burrows: " Amy, dear, 
don't believe a word of it. He told 
me himself that he didn't know how 
to reverse. They're just joking us." 

Rollins: " Well, he's not so 
badly off as I. I didn't get a chance 
to dance at all. 

Mac: " Rollins, it has all been 
my fault. I wish to state publicly, 
before the people here assembled, 
that I forced Roily to go, and never 
waited to see what he could find to 
array himself in. The result " 

Rollins, bowing low: " The re- 
sult is evident' I will confess, since 
every one is confessing, that I have 

4 6 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

been to dances where I have had, to 
say the least, calmer times. And I 
do really possess evening clothes, if 
not where I can lay hands upon 
them, and " 

Mrs. MAC: " My dear Mr. Rol- 
lins, don't say another word. We 
have given you a most inhospitable 
stay, and I beg you to forget it all, 
if it is possible. Girls and boys, 
come and shake hands with Mr. Rol- 
lins and beg his pardon for the — er 
— somewhat necessary neglect we 
have shown him. There, Mr. Rol- 
ns. 

Mac: "There's my hand, old 
boy; I'm mighty sorry." 

Rollins: " Oh, come, this is too 
much ! " 

Miss Terry: " Will Mr. Rollins 
pardon me for the part I played in 
his undoing? " 

ROLLINS: " I'd like to be undone 
every day, if you " 

WILLIAMS: " Sorry, Rollins, you 
missed the fun. Perfectly ripping 
dance it was! " 

47 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

Rollins: " Thanks, awfully! I 
heard that " 

Miss Burrows: " That we were 
sorry to see you looking so sad? It 
seemed so strange and unpleasant to 
have you put away behind Mrs. 
MacGregor. I was really quite 
grieved. Do forgive us because we 
didn't dance with you, but you 
know your costume was so — well, 
we really couldn't." 

MISS WELLER: " You bore it like 
a hero, Mr. Rollins." 

ROLLINS : " Let's forget the whole 
matter. This exhibition of the 
golden rule on your part — after it's 
all over — is too affecting. Mac, let 
me hide behind my curtain again un- 
til I regain control of myself. I see 
Miss Bent making eyes at my unholy 
garb. Let me go, I say." 

MAC: ''Oh, shut up, old boy! 
Now it's over we don't care for your 
clothes. All come out to the dining- 
room, and let's have a bit of sherry 
and a biscuit, even if it is something 

4 8 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

or other A. M. in the morning. May 
we, mother? " 

Mrs. MAC: " Exactly what I was 
going to suggest. Come, all of you ! 
Come, Mr. Rollins! " 

Rollins, aside to Miss Bent: 
" Have you nothing to say, even 
when I've been Bottom to Titania? 
Are the evil days come so nigh me? " 

MISS BENT, giving him her hand : 
" I never can properly beg pardon. 
Besides, I'm not a bit sorry for you. 
You do look like a fright, but — don't 
be discouraged ; perhaps we can ar- 
range another play where I'll be the 
lovely and generous heroine. Ah! 
I forget — you don't care for ama- 
teur players." 

ROLLINS: " But professionals — 
oh, I love professionals! ' 

Miss Bent: " Perhaps another 
summer — another shore — might 
bring a different — ending. One 
plays so many parts." 

ROLLINS : ' ' I leave my role — and 
my costume in your hands." 

Polly, entering with dress-suit 
49 



The Late Mr. Rollins 

case much battered and covered with 
various railroad and express labels : 
" If you please, sir, here is your 
case, sir. The expressman took it 
to the wrong place, and it didn't 
come for an hour after you had gone. 
I'm very sorry, sir!" Every one 
bursts into laughter. 

ROLLINS: " By Jove! I swear I'll 
appear at breakfast in my dress- 
clothes! Come, let's go out to the 
dining-room." 

CURTAIN. 

50 



Who Laughs Last 



Cast of Characters 

Wally Banker! „ _ 

^ _ y College Chums 

Dicky Carter j 

Martin, A Grave Senior 

Billy Fairfield, Premiere Danseuse 

Mrs. Ellis 

Miss Alice Ellis 

Miss Sue Lake 

Time: The Afternoon of a Football 

Game. 

52 



Who Laughs Last 

THE SCENE IS LAID IN AN AMHERST 
FRATERNITY HOUSE. 

I. 

Dicky Carter and his chum, 
Wally Banker, are discovered wildly 
rushing about, putting the finishing 
touches to their afternoon dress, and 
setting their rooms in order. A 
chafing-dish, and sundry packages of 
materials for a rare-bit are seen 
upon a table. 

Dicky, looking at his watch : 
" Good Lord ! Wally, it's almost two 
o'clock, and we're not half ready. 
Train's in, you know, at 2:31. How 
does this tie of mine look? Wish it 
was paid for. This room looks like 
the — here, grab hold of this window- 
seat and let's put it over that burnt 
spot in the rug. Hang that man 

53 



Who Laughs Last 

Hallett, he's always burning some- 
body's stuff, throwing those cigar- 
ette butts around. O, Jove, there 
goes a rip somewhere — can't stop 
now — hope it's nothing serious, I 
say, Wally, just take a look and see 

Wally, without glancing around: 
" Don't see a thing, old man, — but 
don't bother me with your clothes — 
I've got to get some of these un- 
necessary pictures down before the 
girls come. Say, Dicky, did you 
order the carriages? " 

Dicky : "No, of course not, — 
thought you did — go 'phone for 
one." 

Dicky, still dashing frantically 
about, muttering to himself: ' Drat 
this Hamp business anyway. Bet I 
won't go into it again. Never get a 
chance at your own girl, — some 
other fellow always treats you dirty, 
and steals dances. Let's see, Miss 
Ellis and her mother and Miss Lake, 
Wally and I. Take 'em to the Wil- 
liams game, then bring 'em up here 
54 



Who Laughs Last 



o J 



for rare-bit until 7 : 28. They've got 
to go then." 

Telephone bell rings furiously. 
The excited voice of Wally is heard 
outside. 

" Banker, Banker, — Hello — yes 

— Banker. What's that? Can't get 
a horse, — owe too much? You — 
Hold on, this is Carter, not Banker 

— Carter, you know. What did you 
say? — Owes more than Banker? — 

Can't get a rig? Goto " Rings 

off. 

Wally, rushes in, full of rage: 
" Say, what' 11 we do? The old Jew 
won't come for us. Says we owe 
him too much now — We've simply 
got to get a carriage and mighty 
quick. You go and try another place 

— I owe 'em all. Shut that door, 
too — the whole House will hear us. " 

Dicky hastily departs. Wally wan- 
ders aimlessly about gazing at the 
decorations of the room in an absent 
way. 

Wally : " If there's anything I 
hate, it's a rare-bit. Dicky makes 

55 



Who Laughs Last 

it, if there's one made to-night 
— dyspeptic, cartilaginous thing. 
Waste of good beer besides." 

Wonder if Miss Ellis likes them? 
Jove, what a queen she is ! If Dicky 
will kindly mind his own affairs this 
evening, I shall find a chance to say 
several little things to her which — 
Gad, she must know I'm awfully in 
love with her." 

Well, did you get him, chum? " 

Dicky : " Mm-mm, all right. 
What are you standing there for in a 
trance? Hustle. How's this room 
now? Guess it'll do — Take down 
that cheap sign, man, do you want to 
queer us? Dust off your Bible. 
There, how's that? " 

He goes to the table. " Cheese, 
egg, mustard, salt, pepper, alcohol, 
ad. lib. — That will be enough, Fair- 
field says. You'll have to make the 
thing, you know, Wally. " 

Wally : ' ' My dear boy, I couldn 't 
make one sooner than I could put 
together a Swiss clock. It's an art, 
a positive art, to do either. You'll 

56 



Who Laughs Last 

do it yourself, of course, Young 
Modesty. To morrow's Sunday and 
you can work Old Doc. for a sick ex- 
cuse, if you're done up." 

DICKY : " Couldn't think of it — 
never saw one made in my life, be- 
sides," with a portentious wink, 
" Miss Ellis and I have a little scheme 
of our own — no trespassing allowed, 
you know — private grounds, et 
cetera. Just you keep away, my 
boy, till I give you the tip that we've 
fixed it up between us. I'm not 
saying congratulations are in order, 
but — say, what is that class cup 
like?" 

WALLY, gasping: " O, all right, I 
see. But, old man, I — that is — 
I'll match you to see who makes the 
rare-bit and — here goes. " 

He flips a coin. 

DlCKY : " Heads." Gets on his 
knees to see the coin. Rises deject- 
edly. " Drat it, it's Tails !" 

Wally, beaming at the discom- 
fited Dicky: " Sorry, old fellow! 
What's that they say about course 

57 



Who Laughs Last 

of true love? By the way, did you 
get the beer for the bunny? " 

DICKY : " I nearly forgot it. I 
put it in my desk — bottom drawer. 
Didn't want the girls to see us use it 
Mrs. E. is a Prohibitionist with a 
capital P." 

Voice outside calls, " Carriage for 
Carter — 2:31 train. ' ' 

Dicky : " Get into your things, 
Wally. Take that blanket and plaid 
for the girls. They'll be cold on the 
field " 

He departs with final comprehen- 
sive glance about the room. The 
triumphant Wally tarries a moment 
to execute a savage dance, then 
follows. 



II. 



Some time has elapsed since the 
departure of Carter and Banker. A 
knock is heard. There being no re- 
sponse, a head is thrust in the door, 

58 



Who Lauehs Last 



£> j 



followed by the body of Martin, a 
Senior. 

Martin: "So? No one here? 
Ah, I remember! Gone to ' gather 
the myrtle with Mary ' — the young 
fussers ! Well, I was once a bare- 
foot boy — Odd how a man's fancy 
turns towards Hamp like sunflowers 
to the sun, isn't it? My Sophomore 
affections grew and expanded under 
the genial tutelage of Smith, till they 
covered a fair-sized arbor of conceit 
— dear me, it was but a Jonah's 
gourd experience after all. Hang 
this lame foot of mine that keeps me 
away from the game to-day. I can 
see 'em going around Williams' right- 
end for a twenty-yard gain. Jump, 
you rascal, dodge him — now you've 
got a clean field, — run, run, — push 
him off, push him. Touch down 
touch down — Amherst, Amherst ! ' 

Fairfield, skipping agilely in, 
clad in a short yellow skirt, low bo- 
dice, long ravishing yellow curls, and 
poke bonnet: " Heavens, Martin, 
art mad? " 

59 



Who Lauehs Last 



£> 



Martin: " Give 'em the old yell, 
fellows! " 

Fairfield, aside: " Poor boy, 
quite gone ! Much Psych has phased 
him quite. Alas, poor Martin, I 
knew him well, he " 

Martin: " Don't be an ass, Fair- 
field. I was only imagining how the 
game was going. This confounded 
foot of mine, you know " 

FAIRFIELD: " Well, don't queer 
the game beforehand. I've got a 
beastly sore throat myself, and am 
dead broke, in the bargain. There- 
fore I stay at home and practice for 
the Frat. Dramatics. Sweet cos- 
tume, eh? But, prithee, where are 
the ubiquitous Dicky and the gentle 
Wally? Gone to the game, I fancy. 
Took girls, of course. Do you know 
who they were, Martin? ' 

Martin: " Dicky brought Miss 
Ellis, and Wally brought Miss Lake. 
Mrs. Ellis is to be chaperone — at 
least, I heard so." 

Fairfield, growing excited and 
incoherent: " O, hang Dicky ! Curse 
60 



Who Laughs Last 

the fair-spoken villain. He said he 
wouldn't. I — I — it's a shame, 
Martin — Miss Ellis said — that is 
Dicky said — I'm a fool, old man. 
I don't mean Miss Ellis said so, but 
I am. Dicky knew I was broke and 
couldn't ask her over. I'd have 
borrowed the money and taken her 
myself, only I thought Dicky was 
harmless. I'll get out of this yet — 
he shan't have her. It — it's a low 
trick." 

MARTIN, trying to control his 
laughter: " Hard luck, old man!" 

Fairfield, much aggrieved : 

Laugh, you old fossil. It's a 
serious thing with me. You see 
Miss Ellis and I — that is, it was all 
my fault — had a little scrap and I 
want to make it all right before that 
low Dicky can — O, hang it — I 
mean, bless 'er " 

MARTIN: " I see quite what you 
mean. Very commendable, my son. 
But if you'll take my advice you will 
stick to old pipes, old friends, old 
books, and let the precarious joys of 
61 



Who Laughs Last 

fussing slide. I speak not without 
some slight experience in both, hav- 
ing " 

Fairfield: *' Having been an old 
hermit for four years! Shut up 
about your books — you re a dyspep- 
tic misanthrope, or misogynist, or 
whatever its name is. I'll fix Dicky 
yet. Come on, now, Martin, con- 
nect yourself with the harpsichord 
yonder, and help me with this in- 
fernal dance. I'm pitiful at most of 
it, but they made me do the thing." 

Martin seats himself at the piano 
and rattles oft a skirt dance. Fair- 
field, a rather short, chubby fellow, 
lifts his skirts airily, and coyly whirls 
abtout the room. 

Fairfield, anxiously: " How do 
I go, old man? Think I'm improv- 
ing? It's a devilish hard business, 
and my legs are awfully stiff." 

Martin: "You certainly lack 
something of the grace of the fasci- 
nating premiere dansense, Billy. At 
times your breathing is painfully like 
an asthmatic beast-of-burden, and it 
62 



Who Laughs Last 

seems as if it were scarcely necessary 
to jar all the bric-a-brac off the 
mantle whenever you put your foot 
down." 

Fairfield: " I'll quit the whole 
thing." 

Martin: " No, don't. Forget 
that you are not in a Punch and 
Judy show. Don't kick your feet 
like a buck-dance. Sort of curl in 
your toes — like this. Try 'er again, 
and keep your skirts down. Now, 
there you go ! " 

Billy dances again, and with less 
success. 

Heavens, man, brace up. Now 
you're off. Keep it up! Pretty 
good for you ! ' ' 

Fairfield, throwing himself 
down on window-seat, breathless 
after a furious whirl about the room : 

" O Lord, Martin, I'm dead. Let 
me rest a minute — this is worse 
than running to Prayers." He looks 
curiously around the room. 

" Ah, ha! Got things up in swell 
shape for the fairies, haven't they? 

63 



Who Laughs Last 

They've done those things which 
they ought to have done, and re- 
moved all vulgar traces of the things 
they ought not to have done. 
What's that yonder? Rare-bit stuff, 
eh? Same old game, Martin. They 
will keep 'em till 7:28. You're a 
deep, profound soul, Dicky, but 
there are those who laugh last, you 
know." 

Grave Martin, if I diluted the 
alcohol of the lamp with pure water, 
would it be an unpardonable sin? 
Certainly Dicky would not dread a 
fire that never burned his fingers." 
He retires to an adjoining room. 

MARTIN: " Leave a bit in to burn 
faintly. It is a child's trick, Billy, 
at best," 

Fairfield: " Lay on, MacDuffy. 
The deed is done." 

MARTIN : ' ' I have an idea ! Where 
there is rare-bit, is not the beer pres- 
ent also? " 

Fairfield: " Martin, my boy, 
capital. You score one. Where 
could they have hidden it? ' 

64 



Who Laughs Last 

Martin: " Maybe it's in Dicky's 
desk — lower drawer. That is a 
favorite place of concealment, I re- 
member. Let us look." 

They discover a bottle of beer in 
the desk. 

Quite so. Here it is. Now, — 
to the health of Dicky, the success of 
the party and — to the beautiful 
Miss Ellis!" 

He drinks from the bottle. 

Fairfield :" ' Drink fair, Betsey' 
— give me my half. I'll put it in 
Dicky's new cup. Good." 

Martin: " Throw the bottle 
under the window seat." 

Fairfield: " I say, Martin? " 

Martin: " Well?" 

Fairfield: " Do you know any- 
thing about Browning's poetry? 
Beastly stuff, I call it." 

Martin: " I have heard of the 
gentleman and have read a bit of his 
verse. Why this literary leaven in 
your mind? " 

Fairfield: " The other night I 
was calling on Miss El — that is, on 

65 



Who Laughs Last 

a girl I know, and after a while — 
well, you know how it is — she 
quoted some poetry, like this — 
looking sort of queer at me — ' Bea 
god and hold me with a charm. Be 

a ' and there she stopped. Well, 

I blundered around and got red and 
waited for her to finish, but she didn't. 
Everything had an expectant hush, 
you know, and — anyway, I got up 
to come home. She smiled a little 
wicked smile and just as I left her 
said, ' It's a pity, Mr. Fairfield, you 
don't know your Browning.' 

Martin, who meanwhile has been 
convulsed with laughter: ' O, you 
Innocence, you Moses at the fair, 
you — O Lord, Lord ! ' 

Fairfield: " Shut up. What I 
want to know is, how does that 
poetry end? " 

MARTIN : " My child, the ways of 
women and poets are past finding 
out. I will not interpret your vision 
but will merely — excuse my laugh- 
ing — supply the missing link. It is 
66 



Who Laughs Last 

this! ' Be a man and fold me with 
your arm ! ' 

Fairfield, giving a long surprised 
whistle: " The devil! ' 

Martin: " The same/' 

Fairfield, suddenly springing up, 
begins an ecstatic, abandoned dance, 
over tables and chairs: " Play, Mar- 
tin, play ! Faster ! Faster ! ' Wet 
the ropes! ' Be a man,' eh? Be a 
man ! O, Dicky, Dicky, naughty, 
naughty Dicky. Hurray! ' 

Martin plays furiously, both men 
shriek with laughter. The room 
becomes disordered and chairs are 
overthrown. Fairfield at last falls in 
a heap upon the floor. At this 
moment the voices of the returning 
party from the football field are 
heard. 

Martin: " Heavens, who's that? 
girls ? We're lost — run, flee to the 
woods — anything! Don't let 'em 
see you in that unrighteous garb. 
Here behind that screen — quick. 
Who thought they would return so 
soon r 

6 7 



Who Laughs Last 

Martin and the excited Billy retire 
precipitately behind a small screen 
at the back of the room. Billy 
giggles convulsively. 

Martin : " Keep still, Billy, you'll 
knock the thing over! " 



III. 



Dicky, from without: "Yes, 
this is our room. Just wait a minute 
till I run ahead and see if everything 
is all right, you know. Sort of Frat. 
etiquette." He enters and sees the 
room in confusion. 

' By Jove, this makes me wild. 
That chump, Fairfield, has probably 
been in here and dirtied everything 
up. He's a mucker — but I've got 
him this time — all the same it's a 
low thing to do, tearing up a fellow's 
room this way." 

He jerks the furniture into posi- 
tion and assuming a hospitable air 
calls to the others. 

" All right, Wally." 
68 



Who Laughs Last 

Fairfield, shaking his fist above the 
screen at the unconscious Dicky: 
" Confound you, Dicky." 

MARTIN, pulling him down: " Do 
you want to be found out? Down ! 

The ladies, preceded by Wally, 
enter. 

DlCKY, bending low in mock 
grandiloquence: " It gives me great 
pleasure to receive you into our 
humble bachelor-apartment." 

Screams of admiration from the 
three ladies. 

Ladies: " O, O! How sweet! 
In charming taste! " 

Miss Ellis: " O, what a lovely 
room. O, Mr. Carter and Mr. Banker, 
is this sweet place yours? Look, 
Mama, isn't it perfectly swell? You 
should see our tiny little rooms at 
Smith. O, you boys " 

Miss Lake, interrupting: "Alice, 
there's that lovely Copley print we 
wanted so for our room — the dear 
thing." 

Mama: " Really, young gentle- 
men, you are to be congratulated on 

6 9 



Who Laughs Last 



£>' 



your excellent surroundings. When 
I was a girl, I used often to be 
told " 

Miss Ellis and Miss Lake mean- 
while run admiringly about the room, 
minutely inspecting its contents. 

Miss Ellis: " Mama, you used 
to be told that you were a dear — 
don't shake your head — just look at 
these lovely pillows! " 

MAMA: "Ah, Mr. Carter, what 
extravagance ! White satin cushions ! 
Alice, your papa had but one chair 
and a plain deal table in his cold, 
bare study. I remember distinctly 
his saying " 

Miss Lake: "Yes, aunt, but 
wasn't he satisfied? " 

Mama : " To be sure, my dear! ' 

MlSS Lake : " Then what did he 
want of anything more? ' 

All, except Mama: " Ha, ha, ha! 
Very clever. Good." 

MlSS ELLIS: " Mr. Banker, you 
men don't half appreciate the work 
girls put on these sofa-cushions, un- 
grateful creatures ! I know a girl — 
70 



Who Laughs Last 

Sue, you knew Maud, didn't you? — 
who spent twenty-five dollars on a 
Yale pillow, and what do you think 
the man gave her in return? ' 

Wally : ' ' Really, can't imagine. ' ' 

MlSS Ellis: " Just a little fifty- 
cent pin, — Fancy! " 

Wally and Dicky, virtuously: 
" The brute! " Aside: " What did 
she want, — a diamond necklace?' 

MlSS Lake: " Will you see the 
embroidery on this purple pillow — 
the Amherst seal — and such a hard 
thing to do. O, such luxury ! ' 

Miss Ellis: "0, this lovely 
silver cup; what is it? Mr. Carter, 
do explain it! Come, Mama, and 
see. 

Dicky, aside to Wally: '* There's 
a vile smell of beer in the room. 
Get out a joss-stick and burn it. O, 
that's merely a little prize I won on 
the track last year, you know." 
Takes up cup. 

Aside: " Hang it, the thing is 
wet with beer. O — er — excuse 
me — it's all sticky with chocolate 

71 



Who Lauehs Last 



£>' 



— we had some last night. That is 

— I — I'll — don't touch it. I'll go 
and have it cleaned." He rushes 
out. 

MAMA : " My dears, my dears, 
perhaps the young gentlemen do not 
wish you to examine •" 

Wally : " O. indeed we do. 
We're only too glad. You see that's 
Dicky's athletic prize. Running, 
you know, at the B. A. A. He's 
awfully modest — can't bear to have 
any one mention it — always makes 
an excuse to go out of the room. 
Queer thing, isn't it? Dicky's so 
coy ! 

Everyone laughs immoderately at 
the extreme humor of the situation. 

Mama: " Very proper, I'm sure." 
To Dicky who returns at this mo- 
ment: " Mr. Banker was just telling 
us of your exceptional ability in — 
sporting — isn't that the technical 
term employed? " 

Dicky, laughing weakly: " Don't 
know, I'm sure." Aside: " I'll pay 
Wally for that." 

72 



Who Laughs Last 



^> j 



MAMA : ' ' The sports of forty years 
ago " 

DICKY, rallying: " Yes, indeed, 
pretty warm old boys, from what 
I've heard." 

MISS Lake, aside to Miss Ellis: 

Mercy, if Aunt has got on that 
subject, she'll never stop. O, Aunt, 
dear, come and see these dear kodaks 
of Amherst. I'm sure Mr. Banker 
will explain them to us." 

DlCKY : " Yes, Wally, go and show 
them the sights. I'll be getting the 
rare-bit under way." Aside, " How 
the devil do you start the thing, old 
man? " 

Wally : " Don't ask me." 

Goes over to group about the 
pictures. Dicky continues to whisper 
distracted questions and wildly ges- 
ticulate. 

Miss Ellis: "Isn't that the 
President's house where you " 

WALLY, aside : " — Mix up your 
stuff together. " 

" O yes, where the receptions are 
held. Great fun, you know. That's 

73 



Who Laughs Last 

Old Doc at the gym. — he's just 
going to ask " 

DlCKY : "How do you beat 
eggs?" 

Wally : " — er — to ask the fel- 
lows to be more quiet." Aside: 
" Keep still, Dicky." 

1 Yes, that's the college church 
where we hear every Sunday that 



Dicky: " You got me into this 
fix, now get me out." 

Wally : "No, that's not the 
Gym. — That's the Y. M. C. A. 
room. You see they haven't a regu- 
lar building. Fairfield says they are 
talking a good deal about " 

DlCKY": " The beer, I say, when 
do I put in the beer? " 

MlSS Lake: " O, what a funny 
picture this is. Who is the poor 
man?" 

Wally : " That, oh, that is Billy 
Fairfield. Queer lad. We've just 
been turning the hose on him. You 
see he's soaked — I mean he's wet 
through. He was crazy about it. 

74 



Who Laughs Last 

Such a hot temper, as he has! He 
means well, though." 

Fairfield, above screen, furi- 
ously angry: " O, you mucker, to 
show her that picture — if I ever 
get — I mean well, do I, you " 

Martin pulls him down again. 

DlCKY, hot and excited, aside to 
Wally: " I say, old man, what ails 
this alcohol? It won't burn. Some 
fool has diluted it." 

MISS Lake: " O, Mr. Carter, 
mayn't I help? Let me stir. I've 
never made a rare-bit but I can stir 
beautifully. Come, Aunt, and see 
how nicely Mr. Carter is doing it." 

DICKY, in utter despair: " O 
Lord!" 

Miss Lake beats the egg while 
the miserable Dicky burns his 
fingers and mutters low curses on 
the lamp. 

Mama: " Indeed. How well you 
seem versed in these matters. When 
I was young — such a long time ago 
— we never " 

Miss Lake: "Mr. Carter, see 
75 



Who Laughs Last 



the cute little blue flame. It's burn- 
ing the table, I think. O, O." 

DICKY: "Da — , yes, it always 
does that." 

Meanwhile Miss Ellis wanders 
about the room followed by Wally. 
The agonized and love-lorn Dicky is 
nearly frantic at the sight but man- 
ages to keep up a desultory conver- 
sation with Miss Lake and Mrs. 
Ellis as he struggles with the rare- 
bit. 

Wally, in a low tone to Miss 
Ellis who has seated herself with 
her back to the screen: " Did you 
enjoy the game to-day, Miss Ellis? " 

MISS Ellis: "Perfectly fine, 
wasn't it? And I'm so glad we 
won. It was so good of you and 
Mr. Carter to ask us over. Dear 
Mama enjoyed it so much." 

WALLY : " I was only too glad to 
do it. I — that is — we — you see, 
Miss Ellis, — I wanted to say — to 
ask — you've been so cold lately 



MlSS ELLIS : " To ask if we were 

7 6 



Who Laughs Last 

cold at the game? O, not a bit, all 

the lovely wraps 

Wally : " Hang it!" To Miss 
E. : "O no, not that, — to ask if my 
heart, — I mean your heart — Lord 
— what am I saying — could find an 

answer to a question " 

MISS ELLIS : " I don't believe in 
Ougia boards, Mr. Banker, do 
you? " 

Wally : " Don't joke. You go 

from the sublime to " 

Miss Ellis: " Mr. Banker?" 
The exultant Billy whose head 
had been craned over the screen to 
hear the conversation, giggles and 
disappears. 

Did you speak Mama? ' 
DICKY : " Wally? Wally? Wally f " 
Wally, crossly: " What? " 
DlCKY : " Come here, please." 
Aside: "The stuff has cooked up 
until it's like rope or India rubber. 
Get the beer and sneak it to me 
under your coat. It's in the desk. 
Mrs. Ellis, did you notice my new 
set of Thackeray? Won't you and 
77 



Who Laughs Last 

Miss Lake look at it? It's over 
there in my book-case. Now, 
Wally." 

Wally, from the desk: " There 
isn't any beer here." 

Dicky : " There is too, you idiot 
— in the bottom drawer." 

Wally: " I say there isn't, 
You've probably forgotten it." 

Dicky : "Here, stir this till I find 
it myself." 

Miss Ellis, who has continued her 
survey of the room, now approaches 
the screen. Billy dodges back. 
Convinced that no one is looking, 
she glances hastily behind it and 
screams. 

Wally, leaving the rare-bit : 
" Miss Ellis, what is it? What is 
the matter? " 

MlSS ELLIS, regaining her com- 
posure: " O, nothing, nothing at all. 
I merely thought I saw some one I 
used to know very well, in a picture 
of yours." 

Billy and Martin peer cautiously 
over the screen. 

-8 



Who Lauehs Last 



&■ 



Fairfield: "Lord, I'm done for 
now." 

MARTIN: " Whom the gods de- 
stroy, they first make mad." 

Dicky, aside: " Wally, the beer 
is pinched ! If I ever find out who 
did this! Say, you take the girls 
out to see the parlors and in the 
meantime I'll skip down to Fair- 
field's room and see if he has any 
beer, and more alcohol — the stuff 
we have here won't burn at all." 

Again assuming a genial air. 

I say, Wally, perhaps the girls 
would like to see the House. Sup- 
pose you take them around. I'll 
stay here on duty with the bunny." 

MlSS Lake: "How charming! 
O please take us, Mr. Banker. 
Aunt, do come." 

Mama: " I'm sure we should all 
enjoy seeing your House. You are 
indeed most hospitable to your 
guests, young gentlemen." 

They depart. Billy and Martin 
prepare to escape. 

MlSS Ellis, suddenly returning; 
79 



Who Laughs Last 

I shall never desert Mr. Micaw- 
ber. ' It is such a pity to leave you 
here alone, poor Mr. Carter. I'm 
going to stay and help. Mayn't I, 
Mr. Carter?" 

Dicky, divided between happi- 
ness and misery: O, of course, — 
charmed — so nice of you to think 
of the poor cook — er — this is a 
case where too many cooks can't 
spoil the what-you-call-it. Aside. 
How the deuce am I to get that 
beer? " 

Miss Ellis : " Is it hard to make 
rare-bit, Mr. Carter?" 

Dicky, with a superior air: " O, 
not at all, if one knows how. Mine 
doesn't seem to be quite as good as 
usual. I fancy the cheese is a trifle 
— er — a trifle insoluble. Aside. 
Listen to me! " 

MlSS Ellis, glancing wickedly at 
the screen: " Mr. Fairfield makes 
them beautifully. We had a per- 
fectly fine one in his rooms last 
week. I do hope yours will be quite 
as good." 

80 



Who Laughs Last 

DlCKY, aside: " Hang Fairfield! 
O yes, thanks so much. You know, 
though, that rare-bits are so awfully 
uncertain, like — er — poetry and 
girls. Can't tell when you've had 
enough of either — I mean you can't 
get enough of both, — that is, you 
know, they are both awfully good 
at times — pardon me, Miss Ellis, I 
don't know what I'm saying." 

MlSS ELLIS, bewitchingly: "Won't 
you teach me how to make rare-bit, 
even if it is an unnecessary luxury 
like — shall I say girls? ' 

DlCKY, in despair: " Yes, — that 
is, no. I'd like to teach you." Fair- 
field goes into convulsions above the 
screen. " You have cheese, you 
know, and eggs, and — and — did I 
say cheese? Of course, cheese and 
eggs." 

Miss Ellis: " Cheese and eggs. " 

DlCKY : " And then you stir like 
the dev — . You stir 'em, you 
know." 

Miss Ellis: " Stir like the dev — , 
and then? '' 

Si 



Who Laughs Last 

DlCKY: " O, Miss Ellis, mayn't 
I say one little word? I've wanted 
to tell you so many times. I — I — 
can't do it properly, but " 

Miss Ellis, absently: " Cheese 
and eggs, and stir like the dev — and 
— You were saying, Mr. Carter? " 

DlCKY: " Miss Ellis, can't you 
see that I love you? I'm not much 
of a fellow and I'm not worthy of 
you, and — and " 

Miss Ellis: "O — oo — o, Mr. 
Carter, just see the rare-bit! How 
funny it acts. It's thick and hard 
and horrid. Oughtn't you to put 
in beer? Mr. Fairfield always does." 

DlCKY, sulkily and demoralized : 
" Yes, I suppose so, very stupid of 
me to forget it. I — I left it in the 
Hall. If you will excuse me one 
moment I'll get it. Aside. Devil 
take this rare-bit ! He goes mood- 
ily out and Martin rushes after him. 
The screen falls, leaving the embar- 
rassed Fairfield in full view. 

Miss Ellis, endeavoring to hide 
her laughter: " Mr Fairfield! " 
82 



Who Laughs Last 

Fairfield, breathlessly: " Miss 
Ellis, — Alice. Please let me ex- 
plain — I've only got a minute. I 
came to practice my part with Mar- 
tin — I'm in the Frat. dramatics, 
you know, and you came — and we 
couldn't get out — and that ass, 
Banker, don't you know, he — and 
we hid behind the screen. I'm fear- 
fully ashamed and — I say how aw- 
fully foolish Dicky did look! I — 
he — you — O Lord, it was dreadful. 
And, Alice — I may say Alice, 
mayn't I? That little quarrel of 
ours, the other day — it was my 
fault entirely — I'm horribly 
ashamed. I — don't laugh at this 
disgusting dress. Well, hang it, I 
love you immensely, and may I 
have a chance? Don't say you 
can't care for me and — really old 
Banker and Carter are too bad, you 
know. I — Alice — you do care a 
bit, don't you? " 

Miss Ellis: " Mr. Fairfield — 
you mustn't kiss me. I — please 
stop. I think Mr. Carter is return- 

83 



Who Laughs Last 

ing." Backing into a corner. "Per- 
haps, Mr. Fairfield " 

Fairfield: " Say Billy." 
Miss Ellis: " Well then, Billy! 
If you are very, very good I'll — 
I'll let you teach me to make rare- 
bit sometime. No, no, you mustn't 
kiss me again ! " 

They both laugh. Dicky is heard 
in the Hall. Fairfield gathers up 
his skirts, pirouettes about the room 
and nearly knocks over the aston- 
ished Dicky in a hasty exit. 

CURTAIN. 
84 



Rose 



Cast of Characters 

Willie Hollis, A Junior 

Harold Langworthy, An Alumnus 

Prof. William Dimple 

Charley, A Colored Servant 

Mrs. Rose Dimple 

Miss Rose White, A Perennial 

Tim e Com m encement. 



Rose 

THE SCENE IS LAID IN A DARK, SECLUDED 
CORNER OF A FRATERNITY HOUSE LAWN 
DURING THE COMMENCEMENT RECEPTION. 

The lawn is lit by a few stray 
Chinese lanterns. A couple of rustic 
seats stand among- the shrubbery. 
Willie Hollis, much perturbed and 
in a disheveled state, enters hastily. 

HOLLIS : " Where in the name of 
goodness is Langworthy? I've 
hunted the place over for him. 
Commend me to one of these con- 
glomerate affairs of mothers, and 
fathers, and sisters, and alumni old 
enough to know better, if one wants 
to lose his best friends. Not a mo- 
ment to myself this whole blooming 
night, and Rose — bless her — look- 
ing like Cherubim and Seraphim — 
whatever they are. I've got to get a 
chance to talk to her before she goes 
or — what a dear girl she is anyway. 

87 



Rose 

Sometimes I think she's just a bit 
older than I, but what is age. A 
man is older mentally, older in ex- 
perience, older in — well older than a 
woman. I fancy she likes me, too ! 
What I can't understand is, why 
none of these fellows in College have 
seen what a queen she is, and taken 
her away. Mighty glad they didn't. 
O Lord, there's Mrs. Dimple alone 
and wandering about like a lost lamb, 
— sheep would be better, — she's 
not in the spring contest. She has 
probably quarreled with another one 
of the patronesses. From battle, 
and murder, and sudden death, and 
schism among the patronesses, Good 
Lord deliver us. If she comes this 
way, I'm lost. Where can old Lang 
have gone? He was to be here long 
ago. I'll give her to him if she 
comes." Langworthy enters. " O, 
hello, Langworthy. I was looking for 
you everywhere. Fancied that you 
were waylaid by some fair creature 
wishing sympathy and ice cream." 
Lang: " How are you, my boy? 
88 



Rose 

Awfully kind of you to look out for 
me like this. I've been in the 
Western wilds so long that I've 
nearly forgotten how to play the 
game. Four years' hard rubbing 
against the world's very sharp el- 
bows, you know, doesn't tend to 
make a social hero." 

Hollis : " I say, that's nonsense, 
Lang. There's stacks of pretty girls 
here just aching to meet you, — let 
me take you in and kill the veal. I 
haven't much time, you know, — 
fact is that villainous caterer hasn't 
shown up this evening, and only sent 
up the ices half an hour ago. No 
punch-bowl and not a soul to serve 
the stuff. Jove, it was awful." 

Lang : " I know, I know. I used 
to get into those holes myself. You 
Juniors have the whole affair on your 
shoulders, I suppose, while the 
Seniors gambol for the last time. 
But what did you do about this 
catering business? " 

Hollis: " Do? What didn't I 
do? In the first place I had to run 

8 9 



Rose 

out and get Charley, our colored 
janitor, and hastily instruct him in 
the duties of a housemaid. Me! 
Fancy! He has no more idea of 
what he must do than a babe in 
arms. I've managed to inculcate 
two dominant principles in his woolly 
head — the first is, — Keep the table 
supplied with ice cream ; and the 
second is like unto it, — Keep the 
punch-bowls (borrowed, by the way, 
from the people across the street) 
filled with frappe. I'm nearly dis- 
tracted, — I am. Do you see that 
screen over there? Well, I can't 
take my eyes off from it, and yet it's 
misery to behold it, for every time I 
look I'm morally certain to see a 
long black arm beckoning me on, and 
hear a sepulchral voice whisper, 
* Mistah Hollis, want any mo' ice 
cream? 

LANG: " Poor boy. Ha, ha, — 
there isn't a single rose without a 
thorn." 

Hollis, absently: " What's that 
about Rose ? er — I beg pardon. O 
90 



Rose 

Lord, there's that hand again. No, 
no, go 'way, I don't want you. It's 
a terrible strain on a man to go 
through this sort of thing, Lang. 
Here's the beaded lady headed 
straight for us again. I say, old man, 
I had my fingers crossed first. I 
can't stand another attack of her; 
she's worse than the heat-rash — she 
comes out all over you." Mrs. 
Dimple enters. " O, Mrs. Dimple, 
so good of you to come up to our 
little affair this evening. I'm afraid 
we're very inhospitable entertainers 
— leaving you alone like this. 
Mayn't I present Mr. Langworthy, 
one of our alumni — five or six years 
back, wasn't it Harold? ' 

Mrs. Dimple: " Delighted, I'm 
sure. What a pleasure to see the 
old faces back. I often tell Mr. 
Dimple that the men will soon be 
saying, ' There's old Mrs. Dimple 
again,' as they return." 

LANG: " Indeed, Mrs. Dimple, 
you haven't changed at all since I 

91 



Rose 

used to see you when I was a Fresh- 
man, — 0, ages ago ! ' 

Mrs. Dimple, coldly: * O, thank 
you, Mr. Langworthy." 

Lang., rallying: " What a charm 
you must use, Mrs. Dimple, to keep 
always so young. Tell me, now, isn't 
the fountain of youth in Amherst? " 

Mrs. Dimple: "Ah, you flatterer! 
If you knew for an instant the per- 
fectly distracting times we poor 
women have with our servants here, 
you would wonder that we ever get 
out anywhere. My cook, Mr. Lang- 
worthy, left me this very day and — 
but you men can't appreciate these 
domestic flurries, can you, Mr. 
Hollis?" 

HOLLIS, gesticulating wildly to 
Charley: " No, I don't, and I wish 
you'd get out of this." 

Mrs. Dimple: " Mr. Hollis!" 

HOLLIS : "I beg pardon! Our 
waiter, — such a fool — the caterer, 
don't you know, — didn't show up. 
Heavens, what a mess I'm making 
of it. Do forgive me, Mrs. Dimple. 

9 2 



Rose 

O Lord, there he is again. I say, 
Lang, please take care of Mrs. 
Dimple, — I really must be excused. 
Be back in a moment." 

Mrs. Dimple: " Well, upon my 
word, what an extraordinary young 
man. Is he — er — quite right 
here? ' tapping her head with her 
fan. 

LANG: ' Be lenient with him, 
Mrs. Dimple. The fact is, there has 
been a bit of trouble with the caterer 
this evening, and you know yourself 
just how annoying such things are. 
Poor old Hollis is bearing the heat 
and burden of it all most manfully, 
but fellows, don't you know, can't 
manage a little break of this sort 
with the grace that a woman of the 
world like yourself, Mrs. Dimple, 
could assume. I'm sure you will 
forgive him." 

Mrs. Dimple: " The poor fellow! 
Of course I will. I haven't noticed 
a thing, really. I often tell Mr. 
Dimple that it is most surprising to 
see the way the men carry on their 

93 



Rose 

receptions — everything in such 
beautiful condition. I just think 
you ought to be congratulated. Now 
you must tell Mr. Hollis not to be 
worried at all — you boys have had 
a most successful evening and I know 
how much you must enjoy it." 

LANG, aside: " Enjoy it ! Good 
Heavens, if it hasn't changed since 
my day, every man is offering silent 
prayer that the end may come 
speedily. It is good of you, Mrs. 
Dimple, to say so. Your opinion 
is to be relied upon, I know. Won't 
you tell me how Professor Dimple is 
getting on? I must try and see 
him," — aside " the old goat." 

Mrs. Dimple: " He's not quite 
well. His work, you know, is so 
wearing. He's getting up a series 
of lectures on ' College Thought 
and Domestic Interest,' which I 
should love to have you hear — 
they're so profound." 

Lang: " Charmed, I'm sure! 
My conscience smites me when I 
think of the life I led poor Professor 

94 



Rose 

Dimple. I can hear him say now 
as I faltered out my pitiful transla- 
tions, ' Langworthy, Langworthy, 
Langworthy, sit down, sit down, sit 
down ; sacrifice accuracy to speed, 
Langworthy ! " 

Mrs. Dimple: " Ah, you exag- 
gerate, you exaggerate ! What in- 
corrigible boys you are, to be sure. 
The next worse thing to being a col- 
lege professor is to be his wife. They 
have to fight so many of his battles, 
and get none of the glory. I must 
be going now. I see dear Miss 
Lamb in the distance and I must ask 
after her mother. Do come and see 
us soon. Good-bye. So glad to 
have seen you." 

LANG: " Not a particle of change. 
I think the very armor of beads is 
the same I used to see when I was a 
Freshman. She never remembered 
me then, and even now she's not sure 
who I am, she's so near-sighted. 
The same old talk about her servants 
and her emotions, and her husband.'s 
lectures! I fancy they're none of 

95 



Rose 

them changed — there must be the 
same kind ladies. I'm certain they're 
sewing on the same interminable yel- 
low sash-curtains, or making the 
same enervating tea. — Well, well, 
it's a good town — not too far below 
metaphysics nor too high above the 
commonplace. By the way, I'll just 
slip into the shrubbery here and rest 
a moment — four years of roughing 
it out West hardly fit a man for Mt. 
Parnassus. 

"Ah, this is good' Ton my 
word, the orchestra is playing the 
same old waltzes that they played the 
night of my Junior reception just, — 
let me see — it must have been 
seven years ago — Jove, how time 
goes 1 1 wonder what has become 
of that sweetly pretty Rose White? 
She had been in the running some 
time then as I remember. Married 
and happy, of course, by this time, 
and oblivious of another night quite 
Jike this — seven years ago. What 
an ass I was, to be sure' Hello, 
who's this coming? Willie Hollis 

9 6 



Rose 

with a girl ' So. This is where his 
zeal for catering has led him, is it? 
Nice looking girl, too. Guess I'll 
wait here in my leafy seclusion till 
they go. There's something strangely 
familiar about her. It looks like — 
no, it can't be — I believe it is — no, 
certainly not — by George, it is — 
it's Rose' Not changed at all and 
at the same old game with little Hol- 
lis ! And only seven years ago I was 
in his place, — well, when Strephon 
ranches it, Chloe stays in the rose 
garden. I'm blessed if she isn't 
wearing a white evening frock and — 
yes, there's a white rose in her hair 
— the same, the very same." 

HOLLIS : " There doesn't seem to 
be anyone here for a wonder. Let's 
take this empty bench and sit down 
for a moment. It's such a rest to be 
away from les autfes — with yoa. 

Rose White " It is just dear of 
you to bring me out here. I was 
dying for a breath of air, and that 
fat Professor Dimple has been driv- 
ing me insane with long sentences full 

97 



Rose 

of ands and buts and there/ores. 0, 
isn't it delightful out of doors. See 
how the lights sway in the night 
wind. Don't you love the wind, Mr. 
Hollis? " 

HOLLIS, fervently: " I love any- 
thing that you love, Miss White." 

ROSE: " Do you, how sweet of 
you? But I love such crazy things, 
you know — little green snakes and 
— do you love snakes? ' 

HOLLIS • " Ineverhad'em — that 
is, I think I could in time. I'd like 
to try if you would help me." 

LANG., aside: " Poor old chap — 
he's got it awfully. I've been 
there." 

ROSE- " O, Mr. Hollis, wouldn't 
it be perfectly heavenly if we could 
give up this conventionality — Am- 
herst is so conventional, don't you 
think so? — and be free. Society is 
so trammeling. Do you know, I've 
tried to be good so long and now 
I've given it up entirely — I'm going 
to lead a perfectly Bohemian exist- 
ence. " 

9 S 



Rose 

HOLLIS " That is exactly the life 
I long for I A man here in college 
chafes at the little restrictions and 
petty requirements. It is life I 
want — life ' " 

Lang, aside. " Keep it up, old 
man, you're doing good work. You 
won't want life in such undiluted 
doses in four years." 

ROSE: " O, lovely. Please talk 
more. Men have such noble, strong 
views of things ! 

HOLLIS ''It is inspiring to have 
some one who really understands. 
What is more bitter than to feel you 
have put your confidence in a soul- 
less person? " 

ROSE: "Ah, don't I know the 
pain of it. You may trust me, Mr. 
Hollis." 

HOLLIS- " Call me Willie." 

ROSE, with a gentle quaver : 
" Willie." 

Lang, aside " He's a goner." 

ROSE: " I wonder if you love it 
all as I do, — the night, the music, 
99 



Rose 

the beauty. To me it speaks of so 
much that I once knew." 

Lang, aside: " She's thinking of 
our seven-year-ago episode." 

HOLLIS: " By Jove, it's — it's 
great, isn't it? I'm not half as well 
up in these things as you are, Miss 
Rose, — may I say Rose — but if I 
had someone to teach me — someone 
who — er — well, someone, you 
know." 

ROSE: " Would you like to learn? 
Perhaps — ah, surely, you know 
someone who could — O " 

HOLLIS. *'' What is it?" 

ROSE: " I thought I heard some- 
one behind us." 

HOLLIS : " It was nothing. O, 
Miss Rose — Rose — if I only dared 
to speak, but " — he looks back and 
sees Charley beckoning to him from 
behind a tree. To Charley: " I say 
get out of this. Er — you know — I 
— you are so good, so true, so wise. 

ROSE: " All the wisdom of the 
world is of so little use to us at 
times." 

ioo 



Rose 

HOLLIS: " True. Often I hear a 
voice which says to me " 

Charley: " Mistah Hollis, does 
you want any mo' ice cream? ' 

HOLLIS, aside: " Hang it, man, 
clear out and go to the devil." 

ROSE: " A voice, you said? " 

HOLLIS ; "Yes, and it's enough 
to bother a fellow to death having 
him talking all the time. Pardon, I 
don't know what I'm saying. A 
voice — a voice like yours, which 
calls me to better things. Rose, I 
love you, I — I " 

Rose: " O, Mr. Hollis, Willie, 
you can't — you mustn't — indeed. 
Why I'm old enough to be your — 
that is I can always be your confi- 
dant — your sister, but anything else 

— Ono' No, don't speak of it again. 
You will forget — you are but a boy, 

— others will need you. I " 

Charley, appearing: " Beg pah- 
don, sah, but Mrs. Dimple she says 
she wants to speak to you directly, 
sah. And does you want mo' 
frappe sah? " 

IOI 



Rose 

HOLLIS: " O, damn Mrs. Dim — 
That is, tell her I'll come at once. 
Rose, be kind to me. Wait until I 
come back, — let me finish." 

ROSE: " I will wait. Run away 
now." He kisses her hand and 
leaves her. ' Ah, what a dear boy. 
Fancy his proposing to me. It was 
quite unexpected. One wishes some- 
times that she had not seen so many 
boys of that sort. Poor lad ! I must 
soothe his troubled heart. He'll get 
over it soon, — they always do. But 
I — well, I shall stay in the sisterhood 
forever. Let me see, how many does 
this make? ' She counts on her 
fingers. 

Lang, who has come out from his 
hiding place, strolls slowly up : 
41 Surely this is Miss White. You 
haven't forgotten Langworthy, have 
you, in all these years? ' 

ROSE, calmly : " Mr. Langworthy! 
Is it possible. Charmed to see you 
again. Where in the world did you 
come from? " 

Lang: " I've been a rancher in 
102 



Rose 

the West and a thousand things 
since last I saw you. I fancied you 
would have forgotten me." 

ROSE: " Forgotten? Ah, one 
does not forget so easily — at my 
age. 

Lang: " And you really remem- 
ber ' those old days of the sunshine 
of youth?' Odd how these things 
stick in one's memory, isn't it? Do 
you know I've had a picture in my 
mind all this evening of — whom do 
you think? " 

Rose: " I can't guess." 

Lang, laughing: " Why, yourself 
— in a clinging, white evening frock 
with a white, white rose in your hair. 
Just as you were seven — you know 
it was just seven — years ago to- 
night." 

ROSE, in a reflective tone : " Seven 
was it? You were very young then. 

Lang: "And foolish." 

ROSE :" Perhaps. Men are often 
so — as they look back upon an ex- 
perience." 

Lang: " I can see you now as you 
103 



Rose 

sat upon the stairs and made eyes at 
me. 

ROSE, with a laugh: " I'm sure I 
flirted shamelessly, but it was only 
to get you away from Mary Saunders 
— the little cat! " 

Lang : " What lots of little boys 
you have known. Don't they bore 
you when they've played out their 
little games and danced their little 
puppets? " 

ROSE: " You wrong me. I love 
them all — as a sister." 

LANG: " Ha, ha, I proposed to 
you that night, do you remember? 

ROSE, quizzically : " I had forgot- 
ten — ah, so you did. Strange 
that you should have remembered 
that.'" 

Lang : " Wasn't it? Such an ass 
as I must have been. I wonder you 
were so good to me." 

ROSE : " I — I — have forgotten 
that, too. One forgets so easily, — 
except when it were better to forget. 
Time has sharp struggles with a 
woman, Mr. Langworthy." 
104 



Rose 

LANG: " You called me Harold 
once? " 

Rose: "Did I? Then I must 
have been Rose to you. How ab- 
surd " They laugh. 

Lang : ' ' What a game it was, eh ? ' ' 

ROSE: " What a game, indeed." 

LANG: " Shall you never tire of 
it?" 

ROSE, turning away indifferently: 
" I don't understand." 

Lang: " I did not mean to listen, 
believe me, but I overheard Willie 
Hollis just now, telling you what I 
told you seven years ago." 

ROSE: " How could you listen! 
It was cruel. But " smiling " he's a 
dear boy and will forget it soon 
enough, Heaven knows." 

LANG: " You are a rose that 
blooms perennially. Indeed, you 
are as charming as you were in the 
old days." 

ROSE, rising with a bored air: 

Oh, you are frank. I would be so 
if there were any reason for it ; as it 
is — let us go in and dance." 
105 



Rose 

LANG: " Our old waltz ? " 

ROSE : "As you will. Let us call 
it our new one, and — begin again. 
Come, it is getting chilly." 

Lang : " Tell me, have you never 
given me a thought all these years? " 

ROSE: " I remembered you as the 
man who gave me white roses. I 

— I must not go in after all. I 
promised Willie Hollis to wait until 
he came back. The dear fellow, — 
he would be so disappointed not to 
find me." 

LANG: " More so than if he did?" 

ROSE: " Stop. You shan't joke." 

LANG: " Miss White — let it be 

Rose and Harold, just for to-night 

— thank you. Well then, just for 
the sake of old times, listen to my 
little scheme. Hollis, don't you 
know, is badly broken up about this. 
O, I give you the credit for keeping 
all your pristine fascinations, Miss 
Cleopatra. How are you to get 
3'ourself and him out of this with any 
degree of ease and comfort? It's 
impossible — except in one way, 

1 06 



Rose 

— you and I might make violent 
love — just a pretense, you know. 

ROSE: " Mr. Langworthy, you are 
certainly carrying this jest too far." 

LANG: " Not a bit of it. Now. 
see! Hollis returns, hears voices, 
looks for you, overhears me making 
vows of undying devotion to you, 
rushes away in despair. In two 
days he's over it, — wonders how he 
ever made such a fool of himself as 
to put his trust in women. Perfectly 
simple." 

ROSE: " Perfectly heartless! I 
shan't listen to it for a moment." 

Lang: " Don't you want him 
cured? " 

ROSE: " Of course — that is — 
but such a remedy. I " 

Lang: " Only a joke. Do let's 
try it! " 

ROSE: " But it's so cruel. No, 
I can't. It certainly would stop 
him, but still " 

Lang : ' ' The woman who hesitates 
is — never engaged ! Come?" 

ROSE: It is not at all proper. 
107 



Rose 

You will explain to him that it was 
only a joke, won't you? ' 

Lang: " Here he comes. Quick, 
to this other seat." They hurriedly 
change to the other rustic bench. 
"There! Now I'm going to begin." 

Mrs. Dimple, entering in an 
exhausted state: " Ah, thank good- 
ness for a little rest ! These fra- 
ternity receptions wear on me so as 
I grow older. Dear, dear, I wonder 
where William is. He promised to 
meet me here at eight. I think I'll 
sit a moment in the shadow and 
listen to the music. What a heavenly 
night. O, I remember so well the 
evening — it was exactly like this, 
— when William proposed to me. 
The dear old goose, how he blundered 
when he got to the part " 

LANG, behind the shrubbery: " I 
think I have always cared for you." 

Mrs. Dimple, peering about: 
" Heavens, who was that? Upon 
my word, there are two people back 
there in the shrubbery. Who can 
they be? " 

1 08 



Rose 

ROSE: " Why did you not let me 
know — just one little word? ' 

Mrs. Dimple : " It is Rose White ! 
I should know her voice anywhere. 
Gracious, is she at it again ! ' 

LANG: •" I was so far away and 
you sent me off without a bit of en- 
couragement. O, if I had only 
known " 

ROSE: "Mr. Langworthy " 

LANG: " Say Harold." 

Mrs. Dimple: "That nice Mr. 
Langworthy ! ' She sees some one 
approaching and calls in a whisper, 
' ' Sh ! William, is that you ? " 

HOLLIS, mistaking Mrs. Dimple in 
the shadow for Rose: " Rose, darl- 
ing, is it you? " 

Mrs. Dimple: " Hush, of course 
it is, you sentimental — Mr. Hollis! 
You astonish me, sir! " 

HOLLIS, aside: " Lord save me, 
it's Mrs. Dimple! Mrs. Dimple, 
I beg pardon — I thought — that is 
- — I didn't think — Hang it, I can't 
explain it at all. You see — well, I 
was looking for another girl." 
109 



Rose 

Mrs. Dimple: "And I for another 
fellow — Mr. Dimple. I will pardon 
you of course for — alas! as one 
grows old one has to give place to 
another girl. But stop ! We must 
go. No, don't speak! There's a 
pretty little scene going on over 
there in the trees, which we mustn't 
interrupt. Come." 

HOLLIS: " I don't understand." 

LANG: " Rose, dear, four rough 
years have made a rude lover of me, 
I fancy, but all that time I kept in 
my heart the picture of a sweet girl 
with one white rose in her hair. 
And, dear, I've waited all this time 
to tell that girl I love her. What 
will she say? Can you guess? ' ! 

ROSE: " Harold, I — she will say 
that she loves you, that it is like an 
awakening — a strange, beautiful 
awakening. Harold, is it true, really 
true? " 

HOLLIS:" Well I'll be . How 

could she ! I say this is mighty hard 

lines on a fellow. I'd like to shoot 

no 



Rose 

Langworthy, the villain. O just hear 
'em. O'" 

Mrs. Dimple " O, we mustn't 
listen ' But isn't it too lovely? Dear 
Rose, she will be so happy. I must 
tell Mr. Dimple. Isn't it perfectly 
sweet ? " 

HOLLIS, aside ' Devilish sweet. 
O, yes, I suppose so. I don't know 
much about this sort of business." 

Mrs. Dimple, with a coy tap of 
her fan ' Your turn will come, Sir 
Galahad ? " 

HOLLIS ' I'll commit suicide to- 
night." 

Dimple, entering noisily and talk- 
ing in a gruff voice . " Rose, my dear, 
where are you ? I've been looking 
for you all over. Met Professor 
Bugg out here and he is deeply in- 
terested in my new lectures on — 
What do you want ? Why do you 
gesticulate in that absurd fashion? 
Lovers here ? I can't help it, can I ? 
No place for them anyway. All non- 
sense. Who'd you say they were ? " 

Lang to Rose. " By Jove, it's 
in 



Rose 

Dimple. Let's go out and meet 
him." They stroll composedly to^ 
ward the others. " Good evening, 
Professor Dimple. Have you for- 
gotten Langworthy of '9-? " 

Dimple : " Bless my soul, sir. Of 
course not. Poorest man in my 
Latin class, sir. How are you ? 
Mrs. Dimple, what was that absurd 
story of lovers you were trying to 
concoct a moment ago ? What is 
she talking about, Rose? " 

Mrs. Dimple, effusively kissing 
Rose: " Rose, dear, I couldn't help 
but hear. I didn't mean to, at all. 
It's just too beautiful and I can't 
resist telling you so. Please pardon 
Mr. Hollis and me, — we didn't 
mean to listen, did we, Mr. Hollis? ' 

HOLLIS, gloomily: " I should say 
not. 

ROSE, in a distracted tone, to 
Lang: "What shall I do? Your 
joke has gone too far! I shall never 
hear the last of the gossip." 

Mrs. Dimple: " I may tell Mr. 
Dimple, mayn't I ? Come, William, 
112 



Rose 

let us go. I will tell you all about it 
on the way. Good-night, Rose, 
dearest — good-night all. Ah, this 
love's young dream ! ' 

ROSE: " I shall die' Mr. Hollis 

— let me explain — I — that is — 
Mr. Langworthy " 

HOLLIS, naturally misinterpreting 
the situation: " O, don't say a word, 
I beg. I quite understand. I — I 
am that uncomfortable third, you 
know." 

LANG: " I say, old boy, you 
mustn't take it that way. The fact 
is we — I " 

Charley, entering stealthily . 

Mistah Hollis, does you want any 
mo' cream, sah ? The company is 
most gone, sah ? " 

HOLLIS : ' ' Go the devil, sir, — and 

— I'll go with you. I bid you good- 
night, Miss White." 

ROSE, in tears: " How can I ever 
explain, — and that horrid, gossiping 
Mrs. Dimple will tell the whole town 
about it and — O, it's just dreadful. 
How could I have been so foolish ? 
113 



Rose 

It's all your fault! I wish I'd never 
listened to your old joke.'' 

Lang, taking her hand : " Need it 
be a joke? Rose, you've heard about 
the truth spoken in jest. Suppose 
this were that truth? " 

ROSE: " Not a jest? The truth? 
You can't mean " 

Lang : " But I do mean. Exactly 
that." 

Rose, with a tearful smile: 

Listen' The last waltz. It is 
' Home, Sweet Home,' — come, let 
us go in." 

LANG: " And if it were true?" 

ROSE, taking the rose from her 
hair: " Then I should give you — a 
white rose." 

CURTAIN. 
114 



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